I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
