my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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