just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
