Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
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