I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
