i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I need to stop coming to work sober
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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