Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
