Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
