Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
