watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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