Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
