Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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