I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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