so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
