I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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