I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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