She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
