Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
