sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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