Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
