so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
