I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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