i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
