I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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