I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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