Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I got inside last night via doggy door
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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