Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
