it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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