Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Randomize
