wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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