We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
We're using joints as your birthday candles
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
How many fucks given?
0.12846
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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