So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
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I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
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Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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