Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
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dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
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Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.