I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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