I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Randomize
