I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
