I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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