Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
