see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Randomize
