Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
