he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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