you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize