i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
my being single is dangerous.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
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I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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