the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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