If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
