she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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