I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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