if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
The uberlube is also flammable
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
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