also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
