Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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