I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
