Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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