I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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