I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
