so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
