I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
stop calling my apartment porn island.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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