never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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