Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
