The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
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Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
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Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Can you bring me the toilet please
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?